Pressure from the question “When are you getting married?”
Quy, 24 years old, working in Hanoi , shared: “My parents always say that no matter how successful I am, no matter how much money I give them, filial piety is not as good as getting married and having children. That is the most important thing.” Every time he returns to his hometown, Quy faces familiar questions from his family and relatives, making him feel pressured and unable to escape.
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Young gay people and the pent-up pressure to marry heterosexually (Photo: ScitechDaily) |
Dien, a senior student, could not avoid her mother's reminders: "If a daughter does not get married, who will take care of her in the future? Who will take care of her when she is old?" Those words that were supposed to show love made Dien feel guilty, especially when she knew she could not meet her parents' expectations.
Not saying it is not because of hiding - but because of fear.
In intimate conversations, many young homosexuals say they choose to remain silent in front of their families. Minh, an office worker in Hanoi, frankly said: “I have not come out to my parents. My father has a hot temper and speaks harshly about anything he does not like. So I just don’t say anything.”
As for Dien, she said that her parents “knew but pretended it didn't exist”: “I came out, but my parents avoided it as much as possible so they wouldn't have to mention it.”
Because of strained relationships, lack of commitment, or childhood trauma, many gay people feel their families do not feel safe enough to share their sexual orientation. This leads them to avoid marriage like a dull knife – not sharp enough to cut, but enough to bleed a little.
Traditional patterns and difficult choices
In Vietnam, marriage is considered an important milestone in a person’s life. The saying “when a boy grows up, he gets married, when a girl grows up, she gets married” is not only a reminder from our ancestors, but also a norm, a custom that has been preserved through many generations. For heterosexuals, this may be a normal milestone. But for homosexuals - those who do not love the opposite sex - starting a family according to that standard becomes a quiet but persistent pressure.
For many parents, not getting married or having children is “unfilial” and “breaking the family line”. Many homosexuals, although loving their parents, still cannot overcome the biggest obstacle of having children and continuing the family line. “I once thought about having a surrogate mother or adopting a child, but my parents did not agree. For them, it has to be their own child, their own grandchild, their own “blood relatives” , Quy recounted the conversation with his parents.
Although the 2014 Law on Marriage and Family removed the prohibition on same-sex marriage, same-sex marriage is still not legally recognized in Vietnam. This prevents homosexuals from registering their marriages and from enjoying the same legal protections as heterosexual couples, further increasing the pressure to conform to traditional family patterns.
Many homosexuals accept heterosexual marriages to satisfy their relatives’ expectations of marriage, but most of these marriages do not bring happiness. They have to live a double life, fulfilling their roles as husband/wife while hiding their true selves. All of this makes them feel lonely and pressured even in their own families.
According to a 2019 survey by iSEE (Institute for Social, Economic and Environmental Studies), nearly half of homosexuals who have ever been married to heterosexuals are divorced or in the process of divorce. This shows that the pressure to get married not only causes homosexuals to lose the opportunity to live their true lives but also negatively affects the happiness of both parties.
Ms. Vi, a lesbian who has experienced a heterosexual marriage, shared: “I got married because I didn’t want my parents to be sad, but the longer I lived, the more frustrated I felt. In the end, both of us were unhappy and we went to court for divorce. Until now, I still feel guilty towards my ex-husband and my parents, but I don’t know what to do.”
The Desire to Be Understood and the Right to Self-Determination
The vast majority of homosexuals want to live as themselves and decide on their own marriage. They believe that happiness only comes when they are loved and married to the person they truly love, not to please others. Most of those interviewed shared that they would not marry someone just because they were forced to. “I think that is my personal limit. I do not do it just to please others,” Nhan said.
“I want to live a true life, love and marry the person I love. Marriage is a lifelong thing, my happiness is the most important thing,” Dien shared.
“Not everyone wants to get married and have children. The important thing is to live happily and be useful to society,” Quy said firmly.
There are still many parents who do not accept, many families who are silent, and those who say “try to get married and it will be different”. But in today’s young gay generation, there are many who know how to say no. Not because they are against anyone, but because they want to live an honest and responsible life - to themselves and to others.
Pride - not just a color, but also a hope to live in understanding and love
June - Pride Month is an opportunity for the LGBT+ community around the world to affirm themselves and spread the message of understanding and equality. For many young people in Vietnam, that pride is the determination to quietly live true to themselves, amidst countless invisible barriers from family and society.
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Pride Parade (Photo: HRC Foundation) |
The pressure to marry heterosexually is not only a personal burden for homosexuals, but also a manifestation of traditional stereotypes that are stifling diversity and freedom of choice in Vietnamese society. To marry or not to marry should not be a standard for judging morality or filial piety. Happiness should not be measured by similarity but by sincerity, kindness, and the ability to love unconditionally.
Breaking down stereotypes and impositions about traditional marriage and family not only helps homosexuals freely choose their own happiness but also contributes to building a more civilized, tolerant and humane society. The small stories of young homosexuals are a loud voice of hope for a more tolerant society, where everyone can live truthfully, love truthfully, and be truly understood.
(Character name has been changed)
Source: https://baophapluat.vn/trai-lon-dung-vo-gai-lon-ga-chong-ap-luc-cua-nguoi-dong-tinh-viet-nam-post553544.html
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